you hold me now

‘when the wars and violence cease and all creation lives in peace, let the songs of heaven rise to you alone’

it’s no secret that mitchell has been through its share of hard times recently. after having three suicides in this calender year, it’s no secret everyone is on edge. between mitchell and orleans, three young adults have taken their own lives in the last two weeks and it finally hit me today exactly what that meant. growing up, i think every girl in my grade had a crush at one point or another on Peter Grider. he had the BEST hair i have ever seen on a human and every girl just thought he was adorable. his death has definitely hit me the hardest because after the junior high girl crush went away, i met toby and absolutely fell in love with who he is. he quickly became one of the most annoying people in my life that i wouldn’t trade for anything. after i had known him for a year or so, he really matured and started to grow on me and he became one of my best friends. since peters death, i have found myself praying so much for toby. i cannot imagine the pain he has to feel and all the emotions i can’t even fathom. i have dealt with sibling deaths in my friendships before, but never one that has taken his own life.

callie ann and i have been through a lot together. i rode in the car with her for 4 hours the night her sister died and have been through the grief process for her. and tonight while driving back from mitchell, we heard ‘you hold me now’ by hillsong and without either of us saying a word, we both teared up. then we briefly talked about things and moved on with the conversation. tonight when we got into town we went straight to the 8 oclock ethos for worship. after the sermon we took communion and when i sat back down it really hit me how much i want to be there for toby. i sat through the next two songs and callie ann and i cried together. then, when the last song of the night played was ‘you hold me now’ and i almost could not breathe i was crying so hard, and since it was in a room of about 150-200 people it could have potentially been embarrassing. but i didn’t even remember where i was. all i knew, was that i wanted to cry and i wanted to take pain away from the grider family and friends. i do anything to help them if i knew it would work, but i know that grief is something that will take its own path and there is no right or wrong way to do it. i know that God will be there for me through this which makes me want to take the pain from them. God has taught me to be strong for myself and for others and i just want others to understand the love that God has for us, but after the pain they’re going through, i would be angry with God. i just want to take away their pain.

after praying and crying and serious thought, i don’t think i’m going to be able to make it back to mitchell for the viewing and the funeral. as much as i love toby and want to be there for him, i’m just not sure how it would work. i would have to drive 4 hours up, spend a few hours there at the funeral home for the viewing, then drive 4 hours back to make sure I am back with enough time to sleep before my classes on tuesday. i’m afraid i would fall asleep driving or not make it to my classes that are important and i’m honestly terrified of what emotions i would feel if i rode in the car for 8 hours in one day by myself. i know not physically being there is not what i would choose if it were possible, but i’m in nashville praying for everyone that will be involved in the funeral and viewing process. God has given me strength and im hoping to be able to share it by praying and just being there. for everyone who reads this, please join me in praying for them to have strength. ill be praying for all the families who have lost loved ones by suicide in mitchell in the recent months and i would appreciate if you did as well. i know God hears our cries and in times of grief there is never enough prayer.

‘no weeping, no hurt or pain, no suffering, you hold me now’

it's so strange to say this, but i love prison.

im super tired, so i hope all this makes sense.

there are not many things i’m more passionate about than the tennessee prison for women. TOMS wearing, Dr. Goode is amazing and started the LIFE program at the prison and im sure he has changed many more lives in his process than mine. after three weeks of classes, it made me realize how much i’ve missed it since last year when i was there. those women are amazing and they make me realize how much i take for granted and how much i let the world influence who i am and the way i think. our society makes prison look so different than it really is, and tonight i was reminded of how judgmental i can be and it really broke my heart.

one of my favorite girls in the class, Billie Jo, wrote a question that our entire class got tonight that really made me think about society and the view we all have of prison and prisoners themselves.

“A story was aired on News Channel 5 about a group of inmates that spent the date building a play ground in a local Antioch community. The families of the children within that community contacted the news station and complained about the fact that inmates were the ones commissioned to build the playground. It’s though the children would somehow be affected by that fact. After the story, the news commentator stated his opinion, which surprisingly mirrored my own. He stated, ‘it’s not like the inmates are going to be out there playing with the kids.’ I was shocked that the inmates building the playground was unacceptable but it was perfectly agreeable for inmates to sandbag the Cumberland River during the flood earlier this year. When is it politically correct to to use criminals in a way that benefits community? Do natural disasters constitute exploiting a felon more so than a park?” - Billie Jo

and after reading that she wrote this, it really broke my heart. i don’t understand why people are so closed minded about prison. if the media did not portray prison as people who are full of hate and are horrible deep down. those women have taught me more about myself than i ever imagined possible. they completely make me rethink who i am and why i believe things i believe. one woman Sam, that was that was new to our class tonight was talking in class about her opinion on some things and it really struck me when she said, “small minds condemn everything they fail to understand.” and it really makes me wonder how many things i fail to understand because i don’t want to go out of my comfort zone and i don’t want to have to feel so passionately about things that are not common. i hate the idea of changing my world, but i honestly don’t think that i’m going to be able to last this semester without my perspective of life having to make a major change. those girls are such a blessing and a curse at the same time, but i could not be more thankful for all of them.

we serve an amazing God!

so about four weeks into my australia mission trip i finally decide to blog. but better late than never right? it’s been such an amazing trip. i see God everywhere i go here, which really made me wonder why i dont see God in everything at home. he’s the same God in both places and he made everything so i can’t figure out why i have been so amazed at seeing him in everything here when hes in everything everywhere. i feel like i’ve chosen to see God more here because it’s a mission trip and its australia. but in reality, i know that it shows that God should be this apparent in everything I do and not just in a foreign country. God is everywhere and his beauty is all over, but in my life i tend to let that slip into the back unless its new and exciting. there are so many amazing things around us that we don’t notice. im glad God was willing to give me a wake up call, even if it was long overdue. that was really the first week we were here and since then, ive felt Gods presence in my life even more than ever.

i’m currently living with a couple named Dirk and Christina Leijen, who have been married many years and are amazing servants of God. just being around them and seeing the way they opened up their home to me and my two roommates is amazing. i can’t imagine sharing all of my things, space and time with people i have never met before and they are willing to provide food for us and cook for us. being around servants like them makes me want to be a better servant of God and show his love in my actions and my words. they are wonderful people and im inspired by who they are and what they are doing.

we have been so busy since the day we arrived, which was june 19th and today is the first free day we’ve had. and its currently july 15th. i wouldn’t want it any other way though. i’ve been exhausted most of the time i’ve been here, but i see God working through these people and it makes everything worth it. i’ve started relationships with people here that i intend on keeping, and i’ve seen God in the openness and generosity of the people. we’ve been to two different camps, camp orion and camp connect, we’ve done a vbs thing, we’ve worked with a local high school, we’ve had picnics to get to know the people of the church, we’ve traded houses for dinner to get to know everyone, and for fun we’ve been to the city, abseiling and rock climbing at kangaroo point, been to stradbroke island, byron bay, a rugby game, went to the australia zoo, and have just lived in community with people that have a different culture than we do. community is so important and i see it here more than i’ve ever opened my eyes to see it anywhere else. the most amazing thing i’ve seen here is that people from churches all over the city work together and spend time together. they are all christians, not just specific churches, and that is a beautiful thing.

ive fallen in love with the people here. and i’ve fallen in love with my team members. God put us here for a reason, and i can’t wait to see what happens. but for the rest of the day im gonna sit here by the pool in the wonderful 75 degree weather reading with my roommates around. rachel hacker journaling and michael swinea practicing playing his guitar and singing for his saturday night show. our God is so good, and i love how good it is to be with his people in his presence.

and heres some aussie (said ozzy) vocabulary, and props to sarah daughtry for keeping better track of the words than i do.

potato gems = tater tots
trolley = buggy/shopping cart
smash = car crash
bogan = aussie red neck
fair dinkham = true
hache = the letter “h”
zed = the letter “z”
far out = no way. and they said it often
toilets have a half flush and a full flush… you do the math

dodgey = sketchy

brekky = breakfast

sweet as = great

kiwi = a person from new zealand

way out = exit

give way = yield

gents = men

socceroos = australian soccer players

heaps = a lot. and they use this term to describe everything.

toilet = bathroom

take away = take out/to go

uni = university/4-year college

boot = trunk of a car

arvo = afternoon

mackers = mcdonalds

life after easter

at church on sunday morning, the preacher talked about how we are supposed to live after easter, so i thought that was a good title, although i payed little attention because there was something else going on. in the row in front of us, there were 5 little boys in baseball uniforms, and one of them had 3 little brothers along with his parents there. it may have been one of the most precious things i have ever seen. the family of 6 is pretty much my dream family... a bunch of boys and no little girls (but lets be honest, id be happy with any healthy children when the time comes). but seeing the love that family had for each other was so wonderful. after seeing the way they interacted and the love the older ones had for the younger ones, it was amazing. there are few things i enjoying seeing in the world more than pure unconditional love being acted upon, and this family was exuding it. if jesus were here today, i bet he would love like that family did, and it makes me want to strive to be better at loving.

sunday night at church though, i did happen to pay attention. it was nice to hear a message that can hit so close to home. talking about people who are lost can always be painful. there are always people in your life that are lost, whether it be a friend, family member, or yourself. after church i was able to see the pain that lost people can cause. its amazing to see how lost people can get who were once so in-tune with their faith and with God. its hard to see such a juxtaposition of life differences in the same day. it makes you think, but all i know is that love is something i want to be better at.

"the key to happiness is never forgetting where you come from" - hannah montana

so i've recently neglected my blog, as you may have noticed, but after having spring break at home and a week to get back into the swing of things, here we are again. my spring break was spent at home this year and it was amazing. there is nothing that can make me giddier than seeing old friends, its like being in my childhood again and i love it. specifically over the break i was able to go spend time with jamah edmonson who was one of my very best friends and is someone that i can still talk to about anything. theres something about being back with old friends that can make you realize who your true friends are. i've noticed that with people from the past that ive spent time with since we all went our separate ways, if you can pick up where you left off and nothings awkward, you know that you have a connection deeper than just going to high school together.

of all the people in the world i love home, i was able to see almost all of them over the break. i saw many people at church, i went out with brea and liza, i was able to see my mom, jonathan and clara, my surrogate father gary spear, and of course i saw jamahlyn! there were so many people i didn't name, but seeing those people really seemed to brighten my week. even though people change its nice to see that a person you have a deep relationship with will love you the same with the changes you've made, and you can look past their changes as well. God calls us to love unconditionally, and it is something that i take for granted. all of the people i named seem to love me unconditionally despite how rude and annoying i can be. i rarely give people the benefit of the doubt when it comes to loving them they way God calls me to. God calls us to something much more personal than what most people live, but i'm really wanting to see what a true loving like God life can be like.

watching the crippled rise

at lipscomb this semester, instead of having the usual tuesday night devo, theyve had a "gospel of sex" series, and to get people to attend they offer chapel credit. of course, seeing as i love skipping actual chapel i still have to go to other things to get my 30 credits, and i actual do enjoy most times the gospel of sex meets.

tonight is no exception, after seeing who went home on the biggest loser i hurried to alumni to sit and listen to the speaker, but everything that he said that involved sex/ sexual sin was nothing i hadn't heard before, but he did say one thing that was amazing to me. he was talking about how when things like death in the family occur, or a faith is completely rocked by something, we have the tendency to become crippled in our faith. its like we are just down on our knees watching the world pass by us without caring about God or what he has in store for us, but after people get back up from being crippled is when you see amazing things start to happen.

when people are new in their faith is another example of this, there is such much passion and fire in them for God that its always inspiring. tonight, Josh Ross made another good point on this topic with saying that its always good to see the crippled walk again, but when the crippled rise and they leap forward, its like they are starting a riot. seeing people who have the ability to mourn but then come up full force into a full love of God and a faith that could even be stronger than it was before helps us to know that when we are down, we can get back up again. many things in life can cripple us, but how amazing is it that God can help us back up. imagine seeing someone who is really crippled one day get up and jump into the air with legs they haven't used in years, and that really started to give me a sense of how amazing it is that God gives us such an ability to fall and his grace will cover us and he will accept us again with loving arms. God is amazing, and in weeks like the one i just finished (6 tests in 8 days) i had forgotten to spend time with God and i had let myself forget how amazing he really is. he really is so good, and i need to try harder not to forget it.

prison? yes, please!!

i never thought that in my life i would long to go to prison, but thats how ive felt all semester. after having my art appreciation class at the tennessee prison for women in the fall, ive hated wednesdays because i know i don't get to see some of my favorite girls anymore. although our class was only two and half hours and most weeks it really was a class full of art things i dont care about and will never remember, just being in the presence of people who don't judge you and who love you for coming to see them just makes you have a bond that i cant even begin to describe. they are always happy to see us and they love the ability to learn that i always take advantage of. the women in the class are smart women who made mistakes in their past, but they are wonderful at heart. they have taught me so much about loving unconditionally that i don't believe i could have learned anywhere else. of course getting searched and patted down every week wasn't my favorite thing, but after walking through the quad to get to "old school" everything was worth it.

this semester one class offered i had already taken, and one i would never need so it didnt work out to go again, but next fall im determined to make it work because wednesday nights are so lonely without getting to work on the bonds we made. the women at the prison love it just as much as we do, and one of them said that they are like the cheerleaders were in high school, everyone looks up to them and thinks they are special. haha. and if us coming in and Lipscomb offering classes to them can make them feel that good, i don't know why more people aren't interested in it. another women in the prison told us that shes noticed how big of a difference it is for people to do things because they are right, or for people to do things because they know the guards are watching them. all of the women have such good characters deep down who made mistakes in their past, but havent we all? maybe not to the extent that they have, but sin is still sin no matter how you look at it and our society makes us look at them like they are horrible people that deserve everything they are getting. they know what they've done is wrong and are not opposed to serving time, but these women are wonderful people, and they have taught me so much about myself. i cried almost every week last semester because of how much they made me want to be a better person. ive grown so much from that experience, and i am so thankful that i could make such strong friendships in such an unexpected place.

winterfest 2010

the last few years at winterfest have not been as spiritually enlightening as they were in my younger years, but one thing that never changes is the sense of community and love the mitchell church of christ group always has. spending time with the people from my home church is always such a good experience no matter who you are with. there are so many good people in mitchell that i didn't appreciate nearly as much while living there. so if anyone that was at winterfest reads this, thank you for being an inspiration to me and to so many other people.

although i am not a big fan of the things jeff walling says and his dramatic way of doing it, he always teaches me a form of patience. wether i like what he is saying or not, i have to remember that some people get alot out of his sermons and i need to relax, not judge, and let him do what God gave him the ability to do and be affective at. i always let myself be distracted by the theatrics, the music and all of the things that don't matter. the words that are said are most important and are usually good things, except today when jwall claimed that there were twins on seans season of the biggest loser. FALSE. but every year winterfest and impact help my practice a form of patience i'm not used to, and even if im not being as spiritually challenged as i would like to be, i know i'm growing as a person and thats a gift in itself.